The Misadventures of FMA
by The New Fullmetal Alchemist
Summary: All those little things that Arakawa doesn't tell you about! Comedic Drabbles a la The New FMA. Please R&R!
1. ¿Ed se habla Español?

**Hey, everyone! This deviates (quite a bit) from the usual "Cracked-Out Adventures" – so I made it into a one-shot! For all of my "Adventures" readers, I have two in the works right now, I'm finally getting back on track! But I thought of this one while reading through all of the things people are writing in my yearbook (summer starts on the 26th! Woohoo! Almost done with school! As of this Friday, I will officially be a Senior! Yeeeeehaw!) Anyway, this one goes out to my pal Katy! Hahaa! Hopefully she's reading it… And for all of you who have no idea what in the world "Adventures" is… I'm very sorry… you are a deprived person, no? Please read and review! NO flames, unless from Roy! Hahahaa! (Yeah, that's getting old, but I don't care!)**

**I do not own FMA – and I'm not taking Spanish again next year… my schedule is too full (sob!)…**

¿Ed se habla Español?

Edward sat in the break room at Central City Military Headquarters. He was thumbing through the pages of a book. He sighed. 'This book stinks,' he thought as he got up out of his chair. He pitched the book behind him onto a large heap of "stinky" books. It was raining outside, and while Alphonse was no doubt saving kittens, Ed couldn't think of anything to do. So, he decided to go through every single book he could get his little hands on. He picked one up; beautiful leather cover; gold-embossed pages; it was a handsome book, all right. 'This should be good!' Ed thought. He sat back down in the chair, propping his feet on the mountain of discarded books. He opened the book, and read the first sentence:

"Un día, Roberto Esperanza y su caballo Bob fue a un aldeano, dónde vivió un dragón terible…"

Edward blinked. "What the hell?" he asked, staring furiously at the book. "Is this thing… in _Spanish_…?" Ed continued to stare at it, muttering curses at it underneath his breath. Finally he quieted down and his anger subsided. He looked gloomily at the book's cover. He knew it wasn't the cover's fault for leading him and presenting to him a book written entirely in Spanish. He sighed. He had been so looking forward to finally being able to read something good for a change. He was about to toss the book to the stack under his feet when he looked across from him at the bookcase… there was nothing left on it but files and research documents. "Bleh…" Ed stuck his tongue out at the thought of being reduced to having to read documents and court cases in order to keep himself occupied. He looked back at the book in his hands. 'Ah, what the hell…' he thought as he leaned back into the chair and re-opened the leather-bound book. And he continued to read…

(Two hours later)

Edward slammed the book closed. "That," he said through gritted teeth as he flung the book at the far wall, "was the dumbest thing I have ever read!" Edward was fuming. The entire novel, all 200+ pages, had been about some sissy with a beard named Roberto Esperanza and his talking horse, Bob… they had gone to fight a dragon – Roberto screamed like a girl – Bob beat up the dragon with a stick – then the villagers made a bronze statue in the likeness of Roberto because they didn't believe that Bob could talk – and on, and on, and on to the point that Ed thought he was about to scream. In fact, he did scream…

"WHO THE HELL WRITES ALL OF THIS CRAP? WAS THAT AUTHOR ON CRACK, OR SOMETHING? GEEZ!" he shouted at the top of his lungs as he stormed his way out of the break room. Yet a more important question remains than, "Who the hell writes all of this crap? Was that author on crack, or something?" And it is this one: Since when the hell did Ed learn how to speak Spanish? 0o ?

**Fin.**

**Wahahahahaaa! How you like them apples? Hahaa! That is so cliché! Oooh, real quick, I'm just uploading this thing straight without really looking at it – I have no idea if the stress marks uploaded or not, so before you make some comment about how I didn't type words correctly, don't – because I really did. Well, hope you liked it! I really should start up a series of drabbles, eh? What do you guys think? Anyway, see you all soon! Please review:)**


	2. Boredom

Edward Elric was bored. Very, very bored. He sighed. He sat in his chair. He drummed his fingers on the arms, but soon got bored with that, and began to fidget. First he twisted to his right, then to his left. However, he soon sat straight in the chair. He sighed again, and then once again began to fidget.

While all of this was going on, Colonel Roy Mustang was trying to read through Edward's report. A vein pulsed in his forehead at the sounds of Edward's fidgeting fit. After several minutes of this extreme torture, Roy jerked his head up. "EDWARD! STOP THAT RIGHT N – " Roy stopped. He blinked. He then sat limply back down in his chair, mute.

"What?" Ed asked curiously, face red from sitting in a traditional meditation style – legs crossed, arms slightly raised – with the exception of one thing – he was sitting upside down, balancing on his head.

**Ok, so you're probably all thinking, "What the hell was that?" and I don't blame you – here's the deal – these are things that I randomly come up with when writing my "Cracked-Out Adventures" stories – these are the things that I can't use, but can't get out of my head. So, I guess you could say that these stories are some kind of recycle bin… I guess… Anyway, time for my traditional disclaimer: "No flames, please, unless they're from Roy!" Have a great read, everyone! I'll have more soon! Wahahaha!**


	3. Say What Now?

**Hello, everyone! Sorry for being so late in updating! Gah! I was on vacation, tried to update as much as I could, and then totally burned myself out... Now I've been doing so much crap to get ready for school (even though I don't start til August 7th... sob!), I haven't had much time! Eeep! I'm so sorry! Anyway, it may please you to know that I suddenly had the urge to write this while typing up an essay to submit for a scholarsip... That being said, it makes no sense whatsoever, but I had the sudden urge to write a very specific line, and I didn't think a scholarship essay was the right place to do it...**

**I don't own FMA - but please, be patient and more "Adventures" and "Misadventures" will be coming soon! Oooh, and ookamilupin, apparently I've just recieved a PM from you! I'll go read it right now! Tra-la-la!... **

'_Edward… Edward, wake up…_'

"Ngh? No… I don't want to… _snozzzzzzzzz_…"

'_Oh, come now, Edward – that's no way to treat your mother! Now, get up!_'

"Nnnnh… I said I don't… _yawn_… want to… _snoooooooorrrre…_"

'_Come on, Ed! I'm already up! Get up, brother, let's go!_'

"_Snooooooooooooooorrre_…Go away, Al…"

'_Fullmetal! This is the Colonel! Get up, now!_'

"_Zzzz_… fuck off, you bastard… Nm-nm-nm… _Snoooore_…"

'_What did you just say to me?_'

'_Ed, get up NOW!_'

'_Did you hear that? He called me a bastard!_'

'_Brother, please, wake up!_'

'_Edward, get UP!_'

"N-no! No!..."

'_Edward!_'

'_Edward!_'

"No!..."

"**_EDWARD!_**"

"YAAAAAAAH! BANANA!" Edward screamed, sitting straight up in bed, a cold sweat pouring down his brow.

Winry blinked. "Banana?" She put her hands furiously on her hips. "Edward, what the hell are you talking about?"

Edward gave a sheepish grin. "Um… fruit salad?"

Winry clocked him on the head with her wrench.

**And that's it... So yeah, I had this sudden, extreme urge to write Edward saying, "AAAAH! BANANA!" Yeah... Heehee! Hope you liked it! Heehee... Bwahahaa! **


	4. Ed's Forum Funness!

**Hahaha! Hey, all! Oh, and before you get mad at me, please don't! Summer is almost over, I have a butt-load of summer reading left, and now I have band camp all next week from 8 am to 8 pm! So please don't get mad at me for my lack of postings! I know I'm behind on "The New FMA," and really, _really _behind on "Cracked-Out Adventures!" But in the meantime, here's a little something to keep all of you, my wonderous, glorious readers, occupied! A new "Misadventure!" And, to go along with it, a forum to go visit! Yes, readers, that's right! The very forum that inspired this story, you, yes, _you_, can go on-line and visit! Here's the web address! ... Ok, that didn't show up... umm... ok, broken down, here it is!**

**(standard triple "w's") 1-2-free-forums (then a "dot") com (then a "slash") heavensfire (then another "dot") html ... Yay!  
**

** It's awesome! Now, while I go out and sweat my ass off, sit in your cool, air-conditioned computer rooms and enjoy! **

** I do not own FMA - but have you read "It Takes Love to Live" and entered the contest yet?  
**

Edward's Fun with Forums!

"Clackety-clackety-clackety-click-click-clack…" came the sound of keys being punched on a keyboard. Edward Elric sat in the office stoically, the bluish hue of light from the screen gently illuminating his face in the darkened room. The door opened slightly, and Colonel Roy Mustang stuck his head in. He silently watched the Fullmetal Alchemist type away at the computer for a minute before shaking his head and retreating back into the hallway, shutting the door behind himself.

Edward had been at the computer for days – literally. He only left to use the bathroom and get something to eat (which was actually quite often, but still…) Alphonse claimed that Edward was using the new device, built for Central's higher-ups in the Investigations Department by the Super-Secret Technology Department, to research the Philosopher's Stone… and everyone believed him – it was really very probable. But, filled with concern and worry for Edward's health, after a few days of constant typing, they all realized that they had no idea what Edward was really up to… No, not porn, you sickos, but something almost as bad – a public forum.

Yet, unbeknownst to everyone but Edward himself, Ed had joined a random forum, and had been communicating with other people who had also gotten hold of this wondrous and strange device, the computer. And even though he hated to admit it, he was hooked – completely, and totally hooked. Edward rubbed his bleary eyes. He hadn't seen real sunlight in days – he kept all of the windows shut so that he could better see the screen. He was about to get up and go to the cafeteria (yet again) when the computer bleeped – a member of the forum had just become active. So, deciding that food could wait, Ed decided to chat with the newcomer.

"'_ShadowRed,_' eh? Hmm… I've never heard of him, before…"

>'_Hello, Fullmetal858! I'm ShadowRed! So, you're the famous Fullmetal Alchemist everyone keeps talking about?_' the mystery person typed.

>'_Yeah, I am… who are you?_' Edward typed back.

>'_Oh… Just a… fan…_'

>'_Really?_'

>'_Uh… yeah, sure…_'

Edward paused, hands over the keyboard. Something was definitely wrong here… perhaps someone trying to steal his bank account number? Or perhaps…?

>'_So… a fan, huh? I bet you like a lot of stuff about me then, huh?_' Edward typed, a knowing smirk on his face. 'I'll bet it's that damned Mustang…' he thought.

>'_Oh, yeah, tons of stuff! Like how you captured Barry the Chopper, and how you're the Hero of the People… All sorts of stuff!_'

Edward grinned. "Roy, you bastard…"

>'_So, then…_' Edward typed, grinning evilly. '_I guess you know all about how much more well-known I am than some of my colleagues?_'

>'_Uh… sure, Ed, yeah… Of course I do! Um… which ones in particular?_'

"Hahahaa!" Edward laughed. "I've got you now, Roy!"

>'_Oh, you know, the Strong-Armed Alchemist, the Sewing-Life Alchemist… the Flame Alchemist…_'

>'_LOL! Yeah, you are pretty famous compared to them, aren't you?_'

Edward blinked in surprise. "He admits it…?" Another evil grin (far more evil than the first) spread across his face. "I wonder what else I can get him to fess up to…"

>'_So,_' Edward typed to the "unknown" person, '_do you actually know the Flame Alchemist?_'

>'_Well, I know of him… In a manner of speaking…_'

"Heh-heh-heh… All right, then, Roy – time for the fun to begin!"

>'_Is that so?_' Ed typed. '_Then, who do you think is the better looking of us two? Me, or the Flame?_'

>'_Oh, definitely you!_'

"Really, now? Jeez, Mustang, you're making this easy!"

>'_Ok, then, who do you think is the smarter one?_'

>'_Mr. Fullmetal, sir, honestly! That's also you!_'

>'_You think so?_'

>'_Oh, of course! Mr. Flame Alchemist has nothing on you!_'

>'_Really? So, then, who do you think gets the better-looking women?_'

>'_I didn't know that you went out with girls…_'

Edward's face turned red.

>'_So?_' he typed furiously. '_That's not the point!_'

>'_Oh, sorry! Well, in that case, totally you!_'

"There we go!" Edward breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm going to have to print this conversation! Next question!"

>'_Alright, then, who's more manly?_'

>'_You!_'

>'_Who's more masculine?_'

>'_Isn't that the same question?_'

>'_Yes._'

>'_You, then._'

>'_Do you think that the Flame Alchemist is gay?_'

>'_Yeah, I – wait, what?_'

>'_I said, do you think that the Flame Alchemist is gay?_'

>'_Umm… I don't know… Why do you ask that?_'

>'_Well, because I think he is… I just wanted to know what you think…_'

>'_…_'

>'_Well…?_'

>'_Well, what?_'

>'_Do you think he's gay?_'

>'_Uhh… sure…?_'

"Wahahahaaa! Roy, you are _so_ going to regret this!" Edward shouted manically as he read the response on the illuminated computer screen.

>'_Mr. Fullmetal, sir?_'

>'_Yeah?_' Edward typed, trying to contain his mirth.

>'_Can I ask you a question now?_'

>'_Yeah, sure, go ahead!_'

Edward rubbed his hands together in anticipation. If this really was Roy (which he knew it was), then Mustang would try to get back at him now in any way possible… but he wasn't about to fall for any of _that_…

>'_Is it true that you're short?_'

Ed froze. He stared at the screen. A minute of tense silence passed by…

>'_WHO'S SO SMALL THEY COULD BE BLACK HAYATE'S BITCH!_' Edward banged out furiously on the keyboard, his face red and his head steaming.

The computer bleeped.

>'_ShadowRed has signed off._'

"WHAT! MUSTANG, GET BACK HERE, YOU BASTARD!" Edward shouted as he tore out of the darkened room and sprinted down the hallway.

"What is it, Ed? Are you finally done with that computer?" Mustang asked as he watched Ed race towards him. "Or are you… WHAT THE HELL!" he screamed as he saw the blood-curdling look glaring in Edward's eyes. Mustang ran down the hallway like a bat out of hell, Edward screeching and cursing after him.

But Edward, chasing after a very frightened, very confused Roy Mustang, failed to notice the large, snickering suit of armor running out of the new computer lab and down the hall in the opposite direction…

**So, what did you all think? Hopefully you don't mind that I didn't use "computer speech" - I find it very distracting... so the only "computer lingo" that's in this, I think, is the "LOL!" Anyway... Hope you all appreciated that!... There was also supposed to be those little carrot thingies in front of each "post," but for some reason the site doesn't like those... sigh... so I had to put them all back in by hand... double-sigh... Well, please review! I hope you liked it! Oh, and you don't have to be a member to review! Guests are welcomed, too! See you all real soon! **


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